Caregiving Story

"...what a lovely dream it was, happy in the Land of Oz"

That's from a John Sebastian song from long ago (I think he sung it at Woodstock). Keeps going thru my head.

There's a type of dream I have occasionally and it happened last night again.

Let me explain...

My Dad had a massive left-brain stroke 4 years ago that left him paralyzed on the right side and wheeelchair bound. More importantly for him and all concerned it also left him with aphasia

Aphasia affects the language center(s) of the brain, so, effectively, he can't really speak. He understands everything, and he can say yes and no, but he can't really put more than 4 words together before he gets stopped in his tracks.

So, often, in a halting way, with long pauses between the words, he'll say:

"I... would... like... to..."

And we hang, waiting on that next word ("Give me that verb!"). Very frustrating for him and all involved.

So, the dream...

It always has the same form, whatever the actual particulars. It's very real (nothing weirdly surreal) and everything seems normal, like it used to be. We're in the midst of life as it once was with us walking and/or talking.

After awhile, I suddenly realize what's going on. Amazed and happy, I'll say, "Dad! You're talking!"

And, either as soon as I say that, or sometimes right after he replies "Yes... but..." (another of what he sometimes manages to say in response to an observation), I wake up.

And, as I lay there in that disoriented way we experience when wake up from a dream so real, we didn't know it *was* a dream, it just kills me to realize that It Was Only a Dream.

And, every time it hurts to feel the loss again.